Clarisse is responding well already, and...Mastitis issue

Baby Clarisse is responding well already. Whenever we start talking to her about anything, we notice her eyes gazing at the source of the sound. Then, she would respond with Coo or Ahh followed by a big smile, kicking, punching, show us her big sunshine face. 

For the past three days, I fed her with tears. I feel so sorry that the milk supply is not sufficient for her. I blame myself for being such a lousy Mama. Carelessly get myself into this infection with fever for consecutive 5 weeks, and now whenever I tried to feed her, she would cry for more because there is insufficient milk flowing out even though I had tried with hot towels, hot diapers to compress on it while massaging with fingers tips. I think without the stored expressed milk, Baby Clarisse will be starving already. :(

When the chill, fever and fatigue come to attack me again, I told myself that I will stop breastfeeding once I have recovered. I really can't take this anymore. It's been FIVE WEEKS. Both Doctors told me that it might developed into PUS if it doesn't get better. Hopefully, the Antibiotics will help me to kill the bacteria fast enough before PUS developed. 

Ms. Lee told me to massage and compress with Hot Towel. I have been doing it so often by dipping the towel into the scorching hot water. It almost burn my hands while twisting the towel dry. But very quickly it turns cold when I place on the infected areas. Then, I use diaper, I pour hot water into the diaper and compress the infected areas, the diaper was still warm after 15 minutes. Of course, for the first 5 minutes, it will be super hot, and it could scald my skin if I didn't remove it quickly. ANYHOW, I had tried my best and I am not being lazy. I am following the advises given, but there is no sign of recovery yet.

When I see Clarisse smile at me, and I feel so bad to have such a thought to give up breastfeeding. Arghh.....When I hear Baby Clarisse cry for milk, I almost wanted to tear. I told myself not to be so harsh to myself. Use the Stored Breastmilk, but on the other hand, I was advise to feed her regularly so that it will help me to recover faster. Not enough milk, HOW TO FEED WOR? !!!!

It gets worse, when a sick Mama wants some comforts and TLC from her loved one. The loved always push her away with frustrated tone, busy tone, businessman tone. 

"I might consider to stop breastfeeding, Papa. I have been sick for too long and too frequent!"

" Why? What make you sick all the times? What happened? Why always infected?What did the doctor say?"

"It could be many reasons, but milk ducts are definitely blocked."

"Why blocked?"

"How come you never show your love to me. What i need now from you is the simple caring statement, and not questioning me why why why? You always tell me You busy with works, telling me you are trying to make it even when I am sick. Did you even ask me - HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? When your daughters need you to feed, need you to burp them, need you to do anything, you always attend to them immediately. Have you even ask me - HOW ARE YOU?"

"Mama Chi Sin (Crazy), try to fight with lui luis (our daughters). I am helping you already by taking care of them in the night even though i am so tired. You want to stop (breastfeeding), you stop lah, your own choice, why ask me?" 

I walked out of the room with tears and I heard "Chi Sin" then saw him fall asleep immediately even though he knows I am tearing.