November 29, 2010

Not enough time Spent

Why am I saying I am not spending enough time with my children? The below conversation proves it all.

Mama : You Love Mama or love Papa?
Chloe : Love Papa
Mama : You love Papa or love Mama?
Chloe : Love Mama (then she starts to think for a while) LOVE PAPA.

I thought I play smart, switching the order will make her say "Love Mama". Infact, I was right and she did. BUT the truth prevails... Gosh...I am such a FAILURE! :P

Before I had Baby Clarisse, Chloe was all mine, and she refused anyone else except Mama. But because I needed more rest and no strength to carry her around, Papa stole all BONDING TIME. I must gain back my ground, and win my daughters' hearts. :P

It is a tough fight because Papa is really a good Papa but I will not give up.

TO PAPA :
I recognize you as a good Papa but I don't recognize you as a good husband!!!!
BEWARE! Hold tight to your reign now and treasure it! Because I am regaining my "power" soon. Kakakakaka...

Baby Clarisse's Development

Baby Clarisse is already 3months old. It is really amazing to see how my children grow each day. This morning I saw Baby Clarisse lying down on her Winne The Pooh Crib, crying angrily for milk, I realized that she has grown "longer" (taller). She needs to fit into a 3 months old clothing, not the newborn clothing anymore. How silly I am to make such a statement. A 3 months old Baby should be wearing a 3 months old clothes anyway, what so shocking or amusing about it? To me, it is amazing, it is special because my child is growing. Hahaha... It is hard to explain in words, but the feeling of contentment and joyfulness is indescribable.  

She is responding so well now, and she understands us through our voice tone. She can recognize voices from Mama, Papa, Chloe Jie Jie and Kakak. She can distinguish between Mama & Kakak, perhaps by our body temperature? our voice? our face? our style of holding her? I just blame myself for nothing spending enough time for her. Why? I have the tendency of being distracted by Drama Series, Knitting, Pumping Milk, Sleeping. Gosh...Sound SO BAD! not so much of knitting anymore because I really can't afford any extra time for it. Drama is only the AOD (Astro on Demand) Time which is only 9.30-10.15pm, I guess it is not too much right? Anyway, TONNES OF EXCUSES la, JUST SPEND MORE TIME WITH 'YOUR' CHILDREN la......

I found out that the stored milk is left with about 14 packets which MIGHT BE ABLE to last for ONE MORE WEEK or even less. Yes. I have the formula ready at home but still I feel very sad for not breastfeeding her long enough. I am feeding her direct in the night but SOMETIMES, there is no more milk flowing out, and she was not able to go to sleep due to hunger. So, I would have to utilize the stored milk. There is no milk in the morning because I fed Baby Clarisse in the night, even when I pump (which I usually do) in the morning, it can only yield maximum of 2 - 3 oz which is not even ONE FEED. Then I got to wait until about 4pm to pump in the office, and it only yield not more than 6oz (which equivalent to ONE FEED). I can't pump in the evening because I need to "RESERVE" it for the night feeding. ARGH...... There is no way that I can prolong my breastfeeding journey for Baby Clarisse. STUPID BACTERIA INFECTION!!!! Just hit me with the 'stupid' pain and 'stupid' fever la! why must BLOCKED all the ducts. Sob Sob Sob! I have tried fenugreek seed. I am drinking a lot of fluid too. BUT still not enough to accommodate to Baby Clarisse's feed. I am accepting the fact, but still I can't stop feeling sad, like a sinking heart; so heavy. Sigh....

November 24, 2010

November's Event 2 - Chloe's Birthday

Mama & Baby Clarisse attending Jie Jie Chloe's Birthday Luncheon @ Grand Palace Pavillion

Celebrating Chloe's 2nd Birthday with A BIG HAPPY FAMILY! :)

Pooh Pooh Jelly Cake For Chloe and A Birthday gift for Chloe from Mama (The Knitted Dress)

HAPPY FAMILY

Baby Clarisse wishes Happy Birthday to Jie Jie Chloe
A kiss from Jie Jie Chloe to Baby Clarisse - MUAKSS!


Singing Happily - Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, How I wonder what you are, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky, twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are....
* Proud Mama & Proud Papa are happy to have such a lovely daughter *

November's Event 1 - Chloe & Clarisse's Mah Mah's Birthday



November 17, 2010

Breastfeeding

Fever subsided last Thursday and it didn't return until today (HORRAY~!), and because of this I sort of change my mind that I want to continue breastfeeding since I am no longer sick. Unfortunately, the milk supply is extremely low that I am not able to cope with Baby Clarisse's demand. When I tried to latch on, after 15 mins, she started to kick vigorously and ended up with a cry. I guess there were not enough milk flowing to her and she was hungry. No choice, I got to utilize the stored breastmilk to feed her instead. 

I quickily rush to pump the milk, and it was so depressing to find out that there is not even an ounce of milk after pumping for 15 mins. I feel more depressed now and totally regretted that I had made such as a stupid decision to stop breatfeeding. Now, I want to bf and there is not enough milk. 

I have been struggling to feed with such a low supply for the past few days. I drank fenugreek seed drink every night since last thursday. There is a slight improvement on the milk flow but still not enough to cope with Baby Clarisse's demand. She is feeding on 4 ounce every 3 hourly, and I manage to pump out max of 3 feeds in a day but Baby Clarisse needs minimum of 8 feeds a day. Gosh...no choice, formula is on standby mode now. 

Well, no pressure but I will try my best. Somehow I feel many of the milk ducts are no longer "working". Milk supply is depending on very few milk ducts, the rest seems to get my signal real fast that they went into retire mode completely when I decided to stop quit breastfeeding last week. *Sigh* 

What makes breastfeeding so difficult to end is the BOND between Baby Clarisse and Me. There is nothing in this world can replace such a close bond that we build through breastfeeding. To give up breastfeeding is like giving up such a good chance for a mother and daughter's bond. Of course, it is undeniable that there are many ways of bonding but bond build through breastfeeding is unique, is intimate, is special..... is sweet even though is a though journey. 

Our FIRST home!

15/11/2010 - Key Collection of Our FIRST home at Amaya Saujana


Happy Faces after Keys Collection

First Home - Living & Dining

My tiny little kitchen. :(

View from our Balcony

One of the Playground with Basket Ball Court at the side

Gym Room

BBQ Area & GREEN Lawn for sun bathing :P

Swimming Pool

Baby Clarisse and Family

Baby Clarisse @ 10 weeks old 

Papa & Baby Clarisse
Mama & Baby Clarisse

Chloe, Mama & Baby Clarisse

November 10, 2010

Lousy Mama.....

Now, I am sick again.

I recovered on Monday morning and went to work happily. 

On Tuesday afternoon, I felt a sudden pain from the left side and found lumpiness again. As usual, the pain always tag along with his best friend - Mr. Fever. Yes. Fever and Pain is back again. I am taking a whole new & heavier dosage of antibiotic and painkiller for now.

I was a bit annoyed last night, and decided to stop bf. But I was hesitating, and ended up crying because I feel I didn't try my best to struggle it through. However, after a serious consideration, I must stop bf asap. Despite Doctors' confirmation that it is safe for me to feed my baby when panadols and the prescribed antibiotics are taken, I feel too much of these pills are not making my bm any good. Further to that, because of my weak body, I could not take care of Baby Clarisse myself in the night. I need hubby's help (of course, he is more than delighted to do it), and I need to try to keep a distance away from my darlings (even though doctors say my fever is not contagious). Also, I can't work! I have been feeling so sick that I left office early every day.

Anyway, decision has been made. I am going to see my ob/gynae tomorrow and ask for advise to stop bf in my case.

Sorry, darling Clarisse, Mama is lousy. I want you to understand that I had tried my best and I want the best for you. But in this case, Mama has to be a lousy Mama for once. Mama loves you!

November 6, 2010

Chloe says...

One Day, We were on Jalan Tun Razak ....

Chloe : Wow, Mama, Look, Look, CC (pointed at KLCC)

Mama : Wow...

Chloe : Papa, Papa... Look (KL)CC, WOW~~~~

Papa : Wow...KLCC

Chloe : Papa buy (KL)CC (for) Chloe Chan

Papa : What? Buy KLCC for Chloe Chan a?

Chloe : Yes. Papa Buy. Buy (KL)CC (for) Clarisse. Papa buy (for) Mama (AL)SO..

Papa : Wa, Chloe Chan wants Papa to buy KLCC for Chloe Chan, Clarisse and Mama also a?

Chloe : Yes, Papa. Buy (for) Papa (AL)SO...

Papa : Thank you, Chloe

Mama & Papa laughed, and when Chloe saw us laughed, she laughed too....

** ( ) bracket means Chloe missed those words

November 5, 2010

Get to know a little about my Medication

Panadol 500mg

Panadol is a Paracetamol by GlaxoSmithKline which is available everywhere ie. Pharmacy, Supermarket, 7-11 Convenient Stores etc. It is widely used for relief of headaches, aches and pains, fever. It also used for anti-inflmmatory effect. It is generally safe if it is used at the recommended dosage. Overdosed of paracetamol could cause liver damage. Never take Paracetamol with alcohol as it will increase the risk of liver damage. 

Take two tablets each time after meal. Do not take any other medicine containing paracetamol at the same time. Also, do not take more than 2 tablets at any one time and do not take more than 8 tablets in 24 hours.

Augmentin 625mg

Augmentin is an Antibiotic(1) containing amoxicillin(2) + Clavulanate(3) Potassium by GlaxoSmithKline. This combination results in an antibiotic with an increased spectrum of action and restored efficacy against amoxicillin-resistant bacteria that produce β-lactamase.

Take One tablets each time after meal. Twice a day and Not more than 3 tablets a day. This means that it is generally safe for pregnant women and breastfeeding mums. However, Do Not take this before consult your doctors. Augmentin 625mg dosage is not suitable for children. Always consult your doctor before taking any antibiotics.

Cloxacillin

Cloxacillin is a penicillin-related antibiotic used against staphylococci(4) that produce beta-lactamase(5). It is prescribed to treat bacteria infections and it will not work for viral infection i.e. common cold or flu. Overuse of any antibiotic may lead to reduced in effectiveness. 

Use of Cloxacillin for prolonged or repeated periods may result in a secondary infection. Cloxacillin is in the FDA pregnancy category B. This means that it is generally safe for pregnant women and breastfeeding mums. However, Do Not take this before consult your doctors. 

Ponstel (I was told Ponsten and It was written Ponsten) 

Ponstel is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) that exhibits anti-inflammatory, analgesic(6), and antipyretic(7) activities in animal models. The mechanism of action of Ponstel, like that of other NSAIDs(8), is not completely understood but may be related to prostaglandin(9) synthetase inhibition.

Based on its physical and chemical properties, Ponstel is expected to be excreted in human breast milk.

Danzen 5mg

Danzen is Serratiopeptidase (5mg = 10,000 units/tab) by Takeda. It is used for Anti-inflammatory & Anti-tumefacient(10) oral enzyme preparation. It helps eliminate of inflammatory edema(11) and swelling. Improves circulation at the inflammatory focus by breaking down abnormal exudates and protein and by promoting the absorption of the decomposed products through blood and lymphathic vessels.




Definitions :-

  1. Antibiotic ~ noun, a medicine (such as penicillin or its derivatives) that inhibits the growth of or destroys microorganisms.
  2. Amoxicillin ~ nouna broad-spectrum semisynthetic penicillin, closely related to ampicillin but better absorbed when taken orally, used esp. for ear and upper respiratory infections.
  3. Clavulanate ~ noun, The name is derived from the Streptomyces clavuligerus, which produces clavulanic acid. Clavulanic acid is biosynthetically generated from the amino acid arginine and the sugar glyceraldehyde 3-phosphate.
  4. staphylococci ~ noun, bacterium of a genus that includes many pathogenic kinds that cause pus formation, esp. in the skin and mucous membranes.
  5. beta-lactamese ~ noun, Any of various enzymes that are produced by gram-negative bacteria and hydrolyze lactam rings, thereby inactivating penicillin and cephalosporin antibiotics. Also calledcephalosporinasepenicillinase.
  6. Analgesic ~ noun, an agent that relieves pain without causing loss of consciousness.
  7. Antipyretic ~ noun, An agent that reduces or prevents fever
  8. NSAIDs ~ abbreviation for nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug: any of a class of drugs, including aspirin and ibuprofen, used for reducing inflammation and pain in rheumatic diseases. Possible adverse effects include gastric ulceration
  9. Prostaglandin ~ noun, Any of a group of potent hormonelike substances that are produced in various mammalian tissues, are derived from arachidonic acid, and mediate a wide range of physiological functions, such as control of blood pressure, contraction of smooth muscle, and modulation of inflammation
  10. Tumefacient ~ adj, Producing or tending to produce swelling.
  11. Edema ~ noun, n excessive accumulation of serous fluid in tissue spaces or a body cavity.

I was trying to find out did my doctors prescribe the right medication or not since I am still not recovered yet. Apparently, the prescribed medications are safe and supposingly effective. It is either I am being impatient or stubborn bacteria loves me too much. Sigh~~

Don't be scared. This is what a sick woman would do when she doesn't know what else she can do.... errr... ya..dunno what am i saying.....

November 4, 2010

Baby Chloe accepting the "BOAT" for the first time


This clip is dated 18th Sept 2010 - Hopefully I can upload this 40s clip easily. 

Every Baby is different, therefore Chloe is also different from the rest because while others enjoying slides and many activities at 12 months - 16 months old, Chloe is only starting to accept these activity that she fear of at the age of 2 years. She is turning 2 years old end of this month, and I am glad to see that she is growing, and she is learning everyday how to overcome her fears. I am proud of you, Darling Chloe. 

Darling Chloe First Time on Ride WILLINGLY



This clip is dated 21st Oct 2010. -- Wanted to post the 1 minute clip online but after half and hour of loading, still not done. I have decided to upload the photo instead. Will try to upload the clip again later.  
TRYING..BUT FAILED, SO JUST PHOTO WILL DO!

We were at KLCC shopping for some necessities. On the way to the Car Park, we passed by some rides locating near the escalators. Mama thought why not try to put her on, she can't be afraid of this little things for such a long time. True enough, she is still screaming when we tried to put her on the Mary Go Round. We even tried to describe to her how cute is the Doggie, the Horsie..etc etc..but it didn't work at all. So, We decided not to force her as she was screaming very loudly. 

While we were heading to the Basement Car park with the escalator, she saw Barney. She shouted cheerfully "BARNEY~~~, BJ~~~, BABY BOP~~ Mama, See, See." We tried to look at the direction where she pointed, and we saw a BARNEY Ride. We took the escalator back to the ground floor and walked towards the BARNEY ride. Surprisingly, she didn't scream or cry when we placed her in the car (I think because BARNEY is beside her, with BJ and Baby Bop behind her). It is amazing how BARNEY can affect my daughter's liking, and how BARNEY overcome my daughter's fear on rides. Because of this ride, she is no longer afraid of ANY RIDES. She even told me to put her on the helicopter, Horsie etc... Thanks to Barney and Hooray to Chloe.

Knitting Project 6 - Hat for Baby Clarisse

Baby Clarisse's first Car Seat Experience and First Shopping Experience (Gardens, KL). She is such an adorable and obedient girl, enjoy shopping in the mall (to be honest, it is not recommended for such a young age as per advised by doctors). We brought her to Garden because We were nearby after a prayer at Tien Hou Temple. Great Family Outing. Too bad that I didn't take a picture of four of us having high tea. :P

I made the same Hat for my best friend's daughter but with reverse colour. Both look equally nice. A bit small though.  

Baby Clarisse's first Knitting Gift from Mama. More to come!!!!

Knitting Project 5 - A Gift to my best friend




Clarisse is responding well already, and...Mastitis issue

Baby Clarisse is responding well already. Whenever we start talking to her about anything, we notice her eyes gazing at the source of the sound. Then, she would respond with Coo or Ahh followed by a big smile, kicking, punching, show us her big sunshine face. 

For the past three days, I fed her with tears. I feel so sorry that the milk supply is not sufficient for her. I blame myself for being such a lousy Mama. Carelessly get myself into this infection with fever for consecutive 5 weeks, and now whenever I tried to feed her, she would cry for more because there is insufficient milk flowing out even though I had tried with hot towels, hot diapers to compress on it while massaging with fingers tips. I think without the stored expressed milk, Baby Clarisse will be starving already. :(

When the chill, fever and fatigue come to attack me again, I told myself that I will stop breastfeeding once I have recovered. I really can't take this anymore. It's been FIVE WEEKS. Both Doctors told me that it might developed into PUS if it doesn't get better. Hopefully, the Antibiotics will help me to kill the bacteria fast enough before PUS developed. 

Ms. Lee told me to massage and compress with Hot Towel. I have been doing it so often by dipping the towel into the scorching hot water. It almost burn my hands while twisting the towel dry. But very quickly it turns cold when I place on the infected areas. Then, I use diaper, I pour hot water into the diaper and compress the infected areas, the diaper was still warm after 15 minutes. Of course, for the first 5 minutes, it will be super hot, and it could scald my skin if I didn't remove it quickly. ANYHOW, I had tried my best and I am not being lazy. I am following the advises given, but there is no sign of recovery yet.

When I see Clarisse smile at me, and I feel so bad to have such a thought to give up breastfeeding. Arghh.....When I hear Baby Clarisse cry for milk, I almost wanted to tear. I told myself not to be so harsh to myself. Use the Stored Breastmilk, but on the other hand, I was advise to feed her regularly so that it will help me to recover faster. Not enough milk, HOW TO FEED WOR? !!!!

It gets worse, when a sick Mama wants some comforts and TLC from her loved one. The loved always push her away with frustrated tone, busy tone, businessman tone. 

"I might consider to stop breastfeeding, Papa. I have been sick for too long and too frequent!"

" Why? What make you sick all the times? What happened? Why always infected?What did the doctor say?"

"It could be many reasons, but milk ducts are definitely blocked."

"Why blocked?"

"How come you never show your love to me. What i need now from you is the simple caring statement, and not questioning me why why why? You always tell me You busy with works, telling me you are trying to make it even when I am sick. Did you even ask me - HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? When your daughters need you to feed, need you to burp them, need you to do anything, you always attend to them immediately. Have you even ask me - HOW ARE YOU?"

"Mama Chi Sin (Crazy), try to fight with lui luis (our daughters). I am helping you already by taking care of them in the night even though i am so tired. You want to stop (breastfeeding), you stop lah, your own choice, why ask me?" 

I walked out of the room with tears and I heard "Chi Sin" then saw him fall asleep immediately even though he knows I am tearing. 

November 3, 2010

Getting Worse

Ok, I am going to complain about my infection again. 

When I got up this morning, I found my right side is very painful, and there are obvious swollen and redness. I had fever in the night and it is making me extremely tired. I am very worried, especially when Dr. Karmanjit mentioned about the pus might developed if the infection is not taken care properly. Also, I realised twice that Baby Clarisse was not feed adequately last night as I didn't hear any gulping sound, and she fall asleep after a long time of sucking. So, I woke up at 1am to pump, and there were not even 1oz of milk flowing out after a 20 minutes. I was so disappointed but I got to stop the pumping as I don't want to break the nipple. Geezz...Then, this morning, I tried pumping again and there are milk flowing out but it is so minimum and the volume is unusually low, total of 3oz only. Plus, I could feel my right side is still swollen with lumps and redness.

Immediately, I went to my regular ob/gynae to do another check. He said the same thing, I must try to release the milk from the blocked milk duct. Otherwise, Pus might developed and we don't want this infection to be chronic illness to me. I show him the prescribed Antibiotic and Ponsten, he said it is ok and Dr. Ravi mentioned that it usually takes up to 48 hours to get these medication effective. Since I am only less than 24 hour. 

Then, Dr Ravi sent me to the nursing department to see Ms. Lee. Well, Ms. Lee didn't help me to release the blocked milk duct but she taught me how to massage and she told me that I have to be hardworking to continue massaging and feed as frequent as possible. My God! 

I feel so sick now! Sob!

November 2, 2010

Fifth Time Mastitis

After Baby Clarisse's Fullmoon Party, Mama has been SICK on weekly basis. Mastitis attacked me on weekly basis and up till today it is still attacking me, making me really uncomfortable. I was infected with the left side on Monday Morning, and it was the first time that the left side got infected, it was all the while the right side for the past four weeks. OK FINE! I had fever and sore breast for my first day of work, and the fever went off in the evening even though the soreness had not subsided yet. Well, at least no fever and I won't feel so sick. 

UNFORTUNATELY, I realised this morning while I was pumping that my right side is also sore and red. Gosh. Out of sudden, I felt two of my dear friends are extremely painful and swollen with red spot. But the pain did not stop me from going to work as there is no sign of fever. So, this time round, I have to make sure I finish my course of Antibiotic - Augmentine and Panadol for fever. 

Apparently, these Antibiotic and Panadol are not so effective as I thought. I was full of energy in the morning, walking up and down the office, looking through tenders and quotations etc etc. Just at about 12 noon, I felt the chill and I started to shiver. Initially I thought it was the office Air-Cond that made me shiver since the air-cond was blowing straight to my direction. I couldn't stand the chill any longer, so I decided to have early lunch at about 12.30noon. I put on my blazer and switch off the FAN in the pantry but the cold still hit me. My goose bump was obvious on my hands and legs, my lips was purple, and I looked pale as my sister described to me. My Colleague saw me and asked me why am I Purplish. Geez.... I must have very much looked like a vampire. I rested in the pantry until 1.30pm, and my fever started to come back, and I was shivering even more. 

I quickly started up the pumping machine to release the blocked milk duct and hopefully it will help on my fever. But, the milk ducts were so blocked that it had reduced the milk supply tremendously. I was too sick to think about the volume of milk, because the fever and chill is making me feel really sick. I popped two Panadol again and rested for a while, and I had decided to visit Dr. Ravi, but the clinic was already closed when I called up at 2pm. Then, I went to the Bangsar Woman Specialist to visit Dr. Karmanjit  instead. 

Dr. Karmanjit helped me to massage the swollen areas, and helped me to release the blocked ducts. She was so nice and gentle, most importantly she is such a nice doctor with such comforting tone and encourage me to continue breastfeeding. Because of the infection, I have been hearing people to tell me to stop breastfeeding. At a point, I actually thought of ending the breastfeeding journey for Baby Clarisse. Thanks to Dr. Karmanjit, such encouraging statement enough to make me continue my breastfeeding task. No pressure, but as long as I am fit enough to do it, I shall not give up. 

Anyway, after the massage, it seems that the soreness is less but honestly it is still very painful. She prescribed Cloxacillia as Antibiotic  and ponsten for the soreness. She also gave me two days MC and she said I should rest at home until I am well. 

*sigh* My GOSH! I have been infected with Mastitis every week and fever every week. Arghhhh....help!!! I must be a good girl now. I MUST FINISH ALL THE ANTIBIOTICS AND PONSTEN that Dr. Karmanjit prescribed to me. I don't want  to be sick anymore. I don't want the pain anymore. I want to be back to office. I felt very shameful to walk out of office half way for two days consecutively, especially I just STARTED WORK for two days only! Sigh~~~~

God, Please grant me healing Power, and make me recover and the Mastitis does not attack me again. Thank you. 

November 1, 2010

First Day of WORK

1/11/2010 - Finally I am back to work. 

I woke up at 7am when Baby Clarisse cried for feeding, but I didn't feed her directly. I had my maid standby to feed her the expressed milk while I rushed to the bathroom to get myself ready for work. After I had an shower, I realized that a red spot on my left breast. It was not painful initially until I started pumping, and I found out that my left side is already sore. SIGH... I was praying "NO FEVER, NO FEVER" while the machine is running. Everything went well. After expressing, I packed my handbag, pack the Pump Bag, pack my Salad for lunch, Make-up, dress-up. All went well with no sign of fever.

Then, I had breakfast with my family, and I felt a little dizzy at that time. Sigh.... The moment i stepped into the office, with the air-conditioning blowing at me, my fever came straight to me. I brought the leftover Augmentin and went to get Panadol from Seven-Eleven. After popping these pills, it made me feel even worse. Tired & No Mood to work. So SICK of being SICK every week. Bacteria & Virus have been following me for 1 month plus on a weekly basis. Please...Let me go. 

Dizziness is turning my GOOD Day to a BAD Day. :(

Miss my babies now...got to go home SOON and rest.